On March 23rd, I sponsored a beautiful, blue-eyed, 12 year old boy, a boy who has been waiting literally years for a sponsor. My heart felt that tug that I've only felt two other times in my life, that so very familiar tug though, that I only feel when I'm meant to sponsor a child. And just like the previous two times, trying to fight that feeling was difficult, actually painful. I don't know why I try to ignore that tug. I know it's literally God pulling on my heart, telling me that this is something I am meant to do.
On March 24th, the doubt kicked in. I've been feeling like I just can't do what God is calling me to do. I've been doubting that God will actually provide for this boy. Doesn't God know that I have $400 worth of student loans to pay each month? Doesn't God know that I have $500 of rent to pay each month? Doesn't God know that that I have $150 car payment each month? Doesn't God know that gas prices are over $4 a gallon? Doesn't God know that I like to eat food on occasion? Doesn't God know that I already sponsor two children, the 2nd one I didn't think was going to be possible? Doesn't God know that I am just not that strong of a person? Doesn't God know how scared I am? Does God even care?
I've been struggling, guys.
I've been doubting myself and God so much actually that yesterday I wrote a blog entry about doubt, and then I deleted it because I was doubting it.
Whew! I've been a mess, ya'll (in honor of my Texas friends)
Anyway, tonight I've been praying and reading the bible and LISTENING and God told me that, "Yes, I do understand that you have all of these things to pay each month. And yes, I do care, and I love you, and I will provide for you. I don't want you to be scared. I won't lead you astray."
God has been leading me back to one of my favorite bible verses: Pslam 37:4. I took this bible verse and looked it up in a couple translations to see what I could find. Here we go:
NIV - "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
The Message - "Get insurance with God and do a good deed. Settle down and stick to your last."
Amplified Bible - "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart"
Easy-To-Read Version (I didn't even know this existed) - "Enjoy serving the Lord, and he will give you whatever you ask for."
My heart desires a lot, you guys, it really does. I was telling my friend yesterday that on any given day I probably have at least 5-10 dreams floating around in there. What I've gathered from this research and praying is that whatever my heart is truly desiring comes directly from God. God puts dreams and wishes and desires in my heart so that I will follow him to accomplish these dreams. When I saw Florenc's picture on the World Vision website, I felt that feeling that I've felt twice before. I'm going to try to put it into words. My heart literally beats faster than I've ever felt it beat before. It feels like it drops into my stomach and jumps into my throat at the same time. It feels like it's swelling with love and may just burst right out of my chest. Then, all of these things hit me and I just start crying.
That's happened three times in my life. And I survived it.
How can a feeling like that not be from God? How can I not trust that?
Okay, now that we've got the trust part covered, in walks the money issue. Yes, my heart really does desire to sponsor hundreds of children. While this will probably not happen, I want my heart to be open to whatever God wants me to do. God then lead me to this verse: Pslam 37:16.
NIV - "Better the little the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked"
The Message - "Less is more and more is less. One righteous will outclass fifty wicked. For the wicked are moral weaklings, but the righteous are God-strong."
Amplified Bible - "Better is the little that the uncomprimisingly righteous have than the abundance of possessions of many who are wrong and wicked."
So, in conclusion, I will not have very many material things. Which really isn't the truth. I have an apartment, a bed, a comfy couch, running water, electricity, air conditioning, heat, cable, and really fast internet.
I will not own the latest technology. I will not cook five star, three course meals for myself everyday. I will not see movies every weekend. I will not have new clothes. I will not own a new car.
And that's okay.
Because I will have grace, love, hope, mercy, compassion, provision, forgiveness, assurance, and confidence. I will also have three wonderful boys that love me and and write to me who I can love back with my whole heart.
I'm excited for what God is going to show me next. I wish I could say I won't doubt again, but it'll just be another opportunity for me to seek God.