Fathers: Heavenly and Otherwise

I've been trying to write this blog since Monday night. I've been trying to sort out the words in my heart and my mind. I still don't know if I have it figured it, but it's something I feel the need to share.

This blog entry will be extremely uncomfortable for me. I'm going to try my very hardest to not delete it after I've written it out of fear that people will get to know details into my "real life." But, I have to post it so people will realize just how amazing God truly is and just how perfectly he can combine all of the details in life.

Last week, I began working on Father's Day themed letters to mail to my sponsored children. I'm hoping to have these completed and sent out by April. I started them so early because I knew that these letters would be hard for me to write. Two of my sponsored children don't their fathers in their lives. I started to write a letter to these two boys about how important it is to have a father figure in their lives. I was telling them that God is their father in every way they could ever need. However, I wanted to stress to them the idea of how important it is to have a male role model in their lives that they can talk to about life, go to when they have problems, and to learn how be responsible and compassionate fathers in the future.

My letter writing came to a dead stop. I was finding it nearly impossible to write these things down simply because I have not had that positive male role model in my life for a very, very long time. Without shoveling out every detail of my past to you, I do want to share some things with you all. Basically, since age 11, I've lived through abusive situations with both my father and my stepdad. Emotionally, verbally, and physically. From age 11 to age age 15, when girls are looking to their fathers to help them through boy issues, dating, and peer pressure, I had nothing. At age 15, I stopped seeing my father and my stepdad went to prison. So, while I'd like to say that things were better then, my troubles were just beginning. I still had no father figures and the damage got worse in my heart.

I dropped the pen and paper and I just prayed. I was praying for what God wanted me to say to these two young men. I must have been praying for the wrong thing because God said (I could have swore somebody in my apartment said it aloud) "Ask Chris to be your father figure!". So, Chris is one of my favorite people's (Rosie's) husband. I had just spent a wonderful weekend with them and their two children.

This idea that God was throwing at me seemed so crazy! Sharing my past, my pain, my hurts, and then asking something like this of a man seemed crazy! Men are kind of scary! So, being the weak and untrusting human that I am, I didn't do it. On Sunday night, I sent a facebook message to my friend Rosie, asking her what Chris would think of me if I did this. She answered me on Monday morining that she thought it was a great idea and that they both already loved me.

My mood went from nervous to downright terrified and panicky. I didn't want to do it.

But, on Monday night, I sent Chris a message and filled him on what I was thinking, how I was feeling, and what I thought God was calling me to do. I was planning on going to bed and having a horrible night sleep while I pondered his answer. Satan was doing a wonderful job convincing me that Chris would think I was psycho, shoot down the whole plan, and then vow to never let me near his family again. (I know it's crazy, but this is seriously what was going through my head.)

Not even 10 minutes after I had sent the message, Chris had responded. I hope he doesn't mind me sharing his entire message in the blogosphere. I'm mainly quoting it exactly because I never want to lose what was said to me. He said:

"Absolutely and without any reservations I am honored to be that and you have blessed me with your words. Thank you! I will consider it a privilege to be there for you in any capacity that you want, need, or God leads us to. I felt very comfortable with you and we had such a great time having you with us. So the answer is absolutely...YES! I am honored and will feel it as God's blessing to be there for you. God wants us to love and to care for each other as Christ modeled this for us. The only thing you need to know is that I am very imperfect but I try to be more Christ-like everyday. I am here for you anytime. God's blessing and peace to you always!!!! PS- not weird at all I am just both humbled and honored by this message. Thank you!"

Short and to the point. (Especially after I had sent him almost two Microsoft Word pages of rambling semi-conscious thought. Poor guy, he actually read it all!

My world instantly turned upside down. It actually felt like the piece of my heart that had been aching for so many years was now full of something else. I'm still not exactly sure what it is. Hope? Love? Peace? All of the above?

That night, I wrote two perfect (in my opinion) letters to my boys without fathers.

God is good. All the time. Even when life seems to suck.